When Something’s Gotta Give
By Chelsey Dankert
We all know the feeling. It can hit at different times, but the punch to the gut or the sudden spinning of our mental wheels that can bring us to our knees.
Metaphorically speaking of course.
I am talking about when you take a look at your calendar (color-coded, or not), and you realize there is no freaking way you could possibly make every single commitment work. Not to mention the never-ending list of household tasks and passion projects we’d all love to start and actually finish.
But, as most women do, we take a deep breath and put our best multitasking skills to work to be sure we have thought of each individual scenario, and we carry on.
(Would that fit on a t-shirt?)
We carry on to baseball practice and dance classes; piano lessons and extra activities at the library. We carry on by ordering groceries ahead and only making one trip from the car into the house simply because we can, because we feel like we should. We carry on in knee-deep laundry, craft projects, home cooked meals inspired by Pinterest and TikTok recipes. We carry on to cram in quick coffees with friends where the conversation is anchored in how tired we are, how busy our kids are, how little time we see our husband, because we are “just so busy!”
We carry on with a brave face on our social media because anything less than a smile would be admitting that we are, in fact, not okay.
But should we?
I mean, really. What is really the point of running ourselves - not to mention our families - ragged in hope of…what? What is the actual end goal of our busyness? That our kids are mediocre (at best) at several things? That we win the make-believe gold star when we compare our schedules to our friends? So we can snap that almost perfect picture to post to show the world that we are somehow thriving in the chaos?
If I had the courage to ask myself, and maybe more than a few other women I know (mothers and not), I would ask the really hard question of “Why?”
Then I would ask it again. And again. And again.
We are really good at piling up our reasons for our busy schedules, so it may take more than a handful of “whys” to really get to the root of it.
But you know what? If I had the courage to ask myself “why” so many times, I would bet that eventually my answer would get somewhere close to my heart. I would bet that sooner or later I would have to admit to myself that the reason I am pushing so hard to complete, to compete, and to collide into my calendar like a force of nature, is to prove something.
To prove something to my spouse, maybe; that I really can do it all. Until I crumble under the weight.
To prove something to my friends? Possibly that my kids are just as good as hers, if not secretly better because of all of the opportunities we have given them.
Maybe I’m trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I am not entirely sure I can actually handle it all, so if I keep doing more, pushing more, trying more, I won’t feel that ache of inadequacy deep inside of me. Maybe if I keep myself moving and doing constantly, I can quiet that constant whisper that I’m not good enough on my own, that I need to achieve - something, anything - before I can rest; before I have earned a rest.
If I had the courage to ask myself the tough question, and be honest with the tough answer.
I would dare to say that this mentality of unrest is actually an issue of my heart.
Now, please, hear me loud and clear: I am not encouraging you to drop everything you’ve committed to hole up in your room and sob because somehow you’ve failed at trying so hard to not fail.
I am sharing my point of view of my own calendar and schedules, and what I have witnessed wear women down to the core, constantly chasing that bone on the stick that is always somehow just out of reach.
There will always be something, someone, vying for our time and energy. There will always be choices to make based on our priorities, our availability, and our desire.
Even when it comes to household tasks, there are simply not enough hours in the day to complete everything that needs to be done.
Extracurricular activities for children can be a great experience, but should that be the expectation that runs the family calendar?
This process is something I am wrestling with firsthand in this season. It is incredibly difficult to look at my schedule and realize that not only is it unreasonable to assume all the commitments can be done without utter exhaustion, but also recognize that this impossible spider-webbed limbo of expectations was something I thought I actually wanted.
Sweet sister, if you are feeling any way similar and are looking for a sign to make a change - this is it!
I do not have all the answers and know from very personal experience that one size solutions do not fit all, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn from and encourage one another along the way.
A few things I have learned in this season that might bolster you to ask those hard “whys”. It may take some time, but trust me, the outcome is so worth it when commitments conflict or you feel like your fighting to take a full breath of air:
List out all of your roles - literally, all of them: wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee (be specific); be sure to include the hobbies and things you enjoy like gardener, dancer, reader, creative, etc.
Now take this list and combine your roles into your top 5-6.
Then, prioritize them by importance. This can feel really sticky saying that you value something over another, but the fact that these roles are on your list means they are important to you to be your best self within them.
This may take some time, but trust the process. Having clarity and confidence will be the outcome of time well-spent on this.
Remember that as seasons change and some responsibilities and roles will shift - as your children grow up, a shift in your career, a different home to take care of, and so on. Be flexible enough to understand that you may need to (and probably should!) revisit this list annually to help keep yourself on track.
Now the harder part - saying “no” when something conflicts. If you have decided that your family time is more important and extracurriculars, when an additional tournament or practice is scheduled at the last minute, it’s completely okay to not commit when you know you’re stretched thin as it is.
If you have decided that working in your garden gives you a feeling of fulfillment, give yourself permission to spend time there before tackling the laundry or cleaning the bathroom or any other unsavory chore that is necessary for healthy living.
My dear friend, we do not have to “do more” to “be better”. We do not have to push our mental limits by taking on more work at the office, or signing our kids up for another sport or activity.
We are so loved and accepted just as we are; in the messes, when we lose our temper, when our hair is unwashed, when we haven’t worked out in years, when we serve an amazing charcuterie board, when we read all the latest books, when we only wear leggings or when we do a full face of make-up everyday.
I am leaving us with a challenge, take a week of saying “no”. Don’t add anything extra to our plates, politely turn down that cookout invitation and spend time soaking in the things that bring joy and contentment. Take time to write down our roles, our thoughts, our dreams.
Life is bigger than our calendar. It’s just waiting for us to look up and notice that it’s happening.
**Note, the steps listed were originally given to me during a leadership course by the pastor of my church. These are not my original thoughts, however I have experienced the power behind this exercise. I did shorten the ideas for the sake of length and purpose of this post. Please see www.radiantjxn.com for more information on my church’s fundamental beliefs**