I don’t believe that I ever decided to stop believing in God. I also don’t think I ever bargained for Him to get me out of my mess, because I understood just that - that this was my mess, my responsibility to clean up.

The problem with living life by a rule book is that it doesn’t give you any real motivation to live genuinely. When you’re living by the rule book you’re acting out of ought and not out of true desire.

Despite my mind screaming at me to be angry and hurt by situations that are outside my control, God has been whispering “Trust Me, choose Me.” And let me tell you, that is far easier said than done.

But one day it clicked. Just like how we set goals for our careers or for our health, we can also set goals for our family life. We have a say in what we want our family culture to look like, and just like with any other area you set goals in - we have to work to make it happen.

My valley has looked like kids interrupting my quiet time. Romance novels stealing my attention from the Holy Word. Falling asleep during prayer time. Kids coming along on walks and yapping the whole time. Dishes in the sink. Pool dates. Laundry that always needs to be folded. Late bedtimes.

Without careful attention, my life often feels like a jungle of vines growing every which way, out of control and in every direction. In those times I feel suffocated, lost, unable to focus and utterly drained by all the failed attempts to keep everything growing, fruitful and beautiful.

I am no stranger to the Wilderness. I believe there are many seasons of wandering that result in deeper trust; specific times of my life have felt dry and pointless, only to realize that the circumstances always point to Christ. But this one… this one was new, unexpected, and for a while, I was content to sit in it.

Over the last few years, the Lord has proven to be our faithful sustainer. This season of hardship has taught us to be more dependent on His provision and less secure in the world’s standards of living.

Life is busy, and things must get done. I totally understand that. Trust me. I get it. This is not one of those “just leave the dishes to play with your kids because time is fleeting” sort of posts. Honestly those make me gag, and twitch. 

The last couple of years has landed me here: the only way to find peace is to choose it. When you’re facing a period of suffering you can either let your emotions overcome you or you can fight for peace.