I Am Who You Say I Am
By Alison Stoner
The task of writing out your testimony when you’re 38 years old and have lived a lot of life is daunting. For days I thought about how I could concisely wrap up the last 20+ years of walking with Jesus in roughly 1,500 words, and the Lord kept bringing me back to one specific instance. The moment I started truly living my life for Him.
I became a Christian when I was 15 after being introduced to Jesus through my cousin taking me to church and youth group with her. Throughout my high school years, and even into college, I lived the life of the “good Christian girl.” I followed all the rules and did the right things. For years, I walked with Jesus not having a clue as to what it truly meant to have a personal relationship with Him. I knew that to go to Heaven I needed to accept Him as my Savior, and I knew that I should act differently than the rest of the world.
The problem with living life by a rule book is that it doesn’t give you any real motivation to live genuinely. When you’re living by the rule book you’re acting out of ought and not out of true desire. Because I didn’t understand what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus, I didn’t have anything but my own failing self-control to keep me in line.
That meant, when I started to enter into my mid-twenties and life wasn’t panning out the way I thought it would.
I leaned more into my own selfish desires than I did my faith in my Friend Jesus.
Throughout college I had a long-term boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry. I attended a Christian university where the culture was very much “ring by spring”, and while so many of my classmates were entering their senior years with fiancés, I entered my senior year with a relationship that was in shambles. The plan we (I) had made for a summer wedding after graduation was thrown out the window when he chose someone else, and I spent the summer after graduation attending wedding after wedding as just a guest.
That breakup was the catalyst for a string of poor decisions when it came to boys.
I wanted so badly to be a wife and mother. I wanted so badly to feel wanted and accepted. I wanted to be chosen by someone.
Fast forward years and a whole slew of bad choices, and I am pregnant.
And I’m not married.
Most of us millennial mamas who walked through their teenage years as a Christian can probably understand when I say that I felt like I had committed the ultimate sin. Purity culture played some mind tricks with us for sure, and while I definitely hope for a different story for my daughters (and daughter in law), I want anyone reading this to know that Jesus died on the cross to forgive ALL our sins, and that includes a pregnancy out of wedlock.
My pregnancy with Emma could be easily described as a spiritual battle. For nine solid months I was torn between loving my daughter and hating myself for the mistakes I had made. Everyone around me seemed to have an opinion and suggestions for how to proceed, and all their thoughts just fueled my own negative self-talk. I was convinced that I had let everyone down, and that I was ultimately ruined. Up to that point, I had lived trapped in rules and perfectionism, and getting pregnant was the ultimate “F” on top of my report card. It wasn’t worth it to keep striving anymore.
When Emma was born I had resolved to thinking that while I had failed the test and was done for, I could mother her in a way that ended in success for her.
I wanted her to never feel like she was a failure, and to know that no matter what she was loved.
I had a difficult time nursing Emma (something I chalked up to being a punishment from God) and to help grit through the pain of bloody nipples and the sting of latching (you’re welcome for the cringe-worthy imagery) I would speak affirmations over her. One afternoon in a sunlit nursery I was going through my regular run down of affirmations: You are loved. You are adventurous. You are smart. You are funny. You are important. You are worthy. The afternoon was just like every other feeding session - just Emma and me trying to figure it all out. But that sunny afternoon was the moment that my life changed completely.
As I spoke every good and beautiful thing I could think of over her, I was interrupted by God. I should qualify this next statement by saying that I didn’t think you could hear from the Lord. Until this point in my Christian walk, I thought you read the Bible and prayed. I thought you memorized scripture, and asked for God to help you through tough times. No one had ever explained that this “living God” I followed still revealed Himself to His followers. But that afternoon in a lavender painted nursery, I heard the voice of God. As I sat there telling Emma that she was lovely, pure, honest, and silly, the Holy Spirit interrupted me and said, “That is exactly how I see you.”
I sat there with tears streaming down my face and plopping on her little head.
My encounter with the Lord that day completely shifted my heart, and ultimately, my world. As I reflect on what that encounter truly revealed to me that day, I can summarize it into three very key things that I have held fast to the last twelve years as I have walked hand-in-hand with my very real Jesus.
My Identity is Found in Christ. The world is eager to help you define who you are. Every day we are faced with circumstances and events that impact us and help write the narrative of our story. While society may influence our hobbies or interests, we cannot let an unsteady world pour into our core identity. When God met me while nursing Emma, He revealed to me how He saw me. Any time I start thinking I am unworthy, or unqualified, or not good enough, I remind myself of who He says I am. I fight the lies of the enemy with the truth that God has chosen me, that He loves me, and that I was worth dying for.
It’s Not Too Late. One thing I don’t often share with others when I talk about this part of my life is that after we found out I was pregnant, Matt and I made a commitment to one another and to God that we would remain pure in our relationship until we were married. In our conviction and repentance, the Lord pressed it upon Matt specifically to make a change. In my legalistic striving I followed along with this leading because I knew that was the “right” thing to do. While my intentions at the time may not have been in the right place, I’m grateful for the Lord’s grace over us in this area of our relationship. Some of our friends thought we were crazy, and some of our friends thought we still weren’t doing enough (we moved in together), but we fervently sought the Lord’s guidance and tried to live in obedience.
Why I’m sharing this now is because I want others to know that it’s not too late. I felt like a failure. I had committed the ultimate sin, and I was ok with being cast aside by God because of it. But that is not the God we serve. We serve a God who forgives, loves, and redeems. When I think of my story I often think of John 5:15 where Jesus says, “Look at you now! You’re healed! Walk away from your sin so that nothing worse will happen to you” (TPT). The Lord forgave us, but He also asked us to make a change - to walk away from our sin.God Redeems. I thought my life was over, but really it was just beginning. Walking through those dark days revealed a new Jesus to me - one that was alive and active in my life. Without those dark days, I may not have ever truly known what it meant to have God be my Father, my Friend, and my Savior. For much of my pregnancy I thought of Emma as my sin. Her little bean body dancing around in my belly and the looming reality of how she got there could not be divided. But the truth is that Emma is not my sin. Emma is a beautiful daughter of the Most High King. He has an amazing purpose for her life, and I am excited to see how the Lord uses her life for His glory!
Thirteen years ago today I was trying to figure out how to hide the little bump that was growing on my tiny frame. I wanted to hide away in a hole and not face reality. I was jealous of those who could sin without the whole world seeing. Thirteen years ago I felt like God was done with me. Today, I know that God is still at work in my life. That He will never leave me or forsake me.