I Won’t Wait

By Alison Stoner

My prayers have been heavy. They have been big, and there are so many of them. And I have been praying for a long time. Years in many cases.

When I think about the last few years of our life, I often refer to it as our wilderness. Our time of wandering. Unfortunately, our time of doubting. Our time of pleading with God to get us to the Promised Land. It has been years of our faith being tested and us navigating trials. 

The book of Exodus recounts the Israelites 40 year wilderness season. A wilderness season that impacted generations and resulted in death and destruction. I have spent many times thinking about this biblical story as I have wandered through my own season of trial - and it scared me. You see, the Israelites suffered the way they did and for as long as they did because of their disobedience to God. He promised them the land of milk and honey, but they grumbled and fought and thought they knew better. I have often wondered if I am like the Israelites and if it’s our sin that is keeping us in this wilderness longer.

This fear, which I think is a holy, godly fear, has been beautifully freeing for me as I have asked the Father to reveal sin in my life and to help me with my unbelief.

I’ve also reflected a lot on how Jesus faced a wilderness season filled with 40 days of temptation. This season was a period of trial and testing. Studying Jesus’s wilderness season has reminded me how I am to fight through my own wilderness - by clinging to the Word of God and fighting against the lies and schemes of the enemy with scripture.

In my experience, walking through a wilderness season is both hard and beautiful. For me, the tough trials haven’t been met with a feeling of desertion, in fact, I think this season has only made me more aware of how close God really is. This season has taught me a lot about gratitude, patience, suffering, and reliance. This season has taught me that you can simultaneously be filled with frustration and joy. That peace in uncertainty is a very real thing.

One Sunday after a particularly frustrating week, the Lord spoke to me while worshipping at church.

You see, I had been making bargains with God. My prayers had become, “When You heal Matt I will publicly glorify you.” Or, “When that money comes our way, I will share my testimony with others.” I don’t necessarily think my heart was in a terrible place - it was longing for nothing more than to see God show up in a big and mighty way so that I could boast of His goodness. So that I could tell others that He is still a God who performs miracles and He is still the God of the impossible.

That particular Sunday in church I was fantasizing about how I would share of His breakthrough. That we would be able to tell others that the large sum of money that had been owed to us for over a year finally had come through (after many months of financial struggle) right when we needed it most. Or that Matt’s lab work had confused his doctors in the most beautiful way - that when they said to him, “it just doesn’t make sense that you show no counts of this virus anymore” that we could share with them of a very big and real God who makes sense out of the senseless.

In my daydreaming the Holy Spirit interrupted me with, “why are you waiting?”

With tears streaming down my face, I promised Him I wouldn’t wait. That I would tell our stories of His faithfulness NOW. Because the reality of our wilderness is that He has been showering us with blessings the entire time.

The money still hasn’t come our way. But the Lord has provided financially for us in beautiful ways. We’ve learned what “God math” is and how even when the bank account is sitting empty, our refrigerator remains full. All our needs have been met. He has provided us with the manna we need.

The virus is still present in Matt’s body. We still don’t know all that it’s doing or how to stop it, but the threat of his kidney transplant rejection is not as high. The Lord has intervened, and I know that He is protecting the kidney from rejection.

Over the last few years, the Lord has proven to be our faithful sustainer. This season of hardship has taught us to be more dependent on His provision and less secure in the world’s standards of living. This season has taught me that worshipping can get you through any and every struggle, and is the most beautiful when you’re feeling completely broken and all you can do is surrender. This season has taught me, just like Jesus modeled when He was tempted, that the Word of God is living and active and will provide you with an immense amount of comfort and power to continue fighting.

I have not stopped praying hard. I will not stop praying continuously. I do believe that the Lord is hearing my prayers even though I’ve been praying the same thing over and over again. I believe He will answer them.

And when He does, I will give Him all the glory He deserves and share my testimony with others so that they can be encouraged in their waiting too.

But I won’t wait for the breakthrough.

I will tell of His goodness and faithfulness and provision all along the way - especially on the hard days.

Because now I realize that every day that I get to spend with my husband, and every day that we have food in our bellies and a roof over our heads, is in itself a miracle that is worthy of sharing.

Every day I will give Him glory because every day He is worthy.