A Peace That Makes No Sense
Tucked in the book of Philippians is a scripture that says, “The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind” (Philippians 4:7). These words were written by Paul, a man who knew a great deal about suffering, to encourage the church in Philippi that joy could be found in all circumstances. These words became a foundation for my family and I as we walked through our own period of darkness, fear, and suffering - a period marked by a peace that makes no sense.
Generally, I’m a very anxious person. If you ask my family, they’d describe me as a stressed out mess who loses her cool anytime there’s clutter in the house. If you knew me intimately, or even worse, read my constantly running inner monologue, peaceful would not be the adjective you’d pick to describe me. For as long as I can remember, anxiety has just been an underlying facet of who I am. In fact, I can’t comprehend what it would be like to not be worried, concerned, or stressed out about something - it’s my everyday life.
In particular, the last year has been a roller coaster that could have done me in. In May 2023, my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney failure (for the second time in his life) and was put on dialysis. With this diagnosis brough multiple hospitalizations for MRSA infections, more than half of each day spent on a 20 foot dialysis lead, and countless appointments with specialists to determine if he was fit for a kidney transplant. It would literally take me days to recount the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical turmoil that led up to November 20, 2024 - the day his sister sacrificed her kidney so that Matt could have a better go at life on this side of heaven.
The day of his surgery was stressful and scary. To put it simply, the surgeon ran into some complications during the transplant, and after sitting in the waiting room for nearly 10 hours (for a surgery that was supposed to last 4 hours), I was finally able to see my husband. My first thought upon seeing him was, “What am I going to do?” He quite frankly looked like he’d been through hell and was so insanely uncomfortable. I was scared for him, and quite honestly for myself and our four kids.
The days that followed weren’t better either. They were intense. I sat beside his bed watching heart rates fluctuate and go way too high. I monitored catheter bags to ensure urine was the right color. I obsessed over oxygen levels. I was kicked out of the ICU room twice because they needed to make way for the entire intensive care team (or so it seemed to me as everyone came rushing in and I was ushered out). Do you know how scary sitting in a waiting room can be?
Paul may have been locked in prison. Your house may have burned down. I may have feared the loss of my husband.
Though our circumstances may be different, we are all very familiar with suffering.
After Matt’s transplant surgery I did not leave the hospital for six days. I didn’t even step outside to suck in some fresh air. For six days, I sat beside him and prayed fervently for the Holy Spirit to intervene. I sang worship songs and repeated scripture. I cried out to the Father to heal and restore his strength. For six days, the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, carried me through. Even when Matt couldn’t get out of bed and the vitals didn’t look good, Holy Spirit reminded me of the power of God, and in those tough moments, His peace was the only thing that I needed to know.
The last couple of years has landed me here: the only way to find peace is to choose it.
When you’re facing a period of suffering you can either let your emotions overcome you or you can fight for peace. Obviously there will be tears and real, raw emotions that you will need to feel and unpack as you walk through dark times, but when you choose to seek the Lord and rest in Him is where you will find peace.
I choose peace by reading the Bible. I choose peace by drowning out the worries and lies of the enemy by listening to worship music. I cling to prophetic words that people submitted to us. I seek peace out by sharing prayer requests with people I trust. I find peace in remembering all the ways that God has already carried us through.
We will walk through seasons of life that shake us, but because we have the power of the living God dwelling within us, we can rest in His perfect peace.
He will hold our hearts as they break to a million little pieces, and He will protect our thoughts. He will point us to the Truth. He will hold us in loving, comforting arms.