Confessions From the Valley

By Alison Stoner

I can be honest with you all right? Like, this is a safe space for me to share my struggles and be met with mercy and not judgement? Because if I’m being truly honest, I need to confess, process, and surrender myself - fully - once again to my Father.

My big secret: I haven’t felt all that close to God lately.

As I thought about what I’d write for this post all I could think about was how all my ideas would be hypocritical and ingenuine. I want to be able to only share encouraging, uplifting words, but my heart just isn’t there right now and I don’t want to be fake. But this realization also brought me to a place where my only option was once again to give myself over to my Savior Jesus. So, instead of flowering over things, I’ll share the real life battle that I’m dealing with currently.

I don’t know exactly where this feeling of isolation and withdrawal is stemming from. As I started to process my feelings and bring things to Father in prayer, I’ve been trying to figure out the root. I’m not necessarily mad at God, but if I’m honest, I am a little frustrated because I feel we’ve been in a wilderness season for so long and I’m wondering why the breakthrough hasn’t come yet. I most definitely haven’t renounced Him - even though He feels a little further away right now, I still pray daily and rely on worship music to lift my spirits.

And He is still proving to be who He says He is to me, despite my own disconnected feelings.

I think maybe it’s just one of those seasons in the middle - a valley season.

My family just trekked through a momentous season that peaked when my husband received a kidney transplant. We had been climbing for years to get to that mountain peak, and the climb was marked with a closeness to God like I had never felt before. His voice was so clear to me as we climbed that mountain. I could feel His peace like a blanket that covers me in the night. The prayers of our friends and family sustained us, and it was evident that the Holy Spirit was beside us every step of the journey.

That climb showed me not only who God is, but who I am in Christ. That trek will forever mark my faith life.

But since November 20, 2024, we have been descending the mountain peak.

We haven’t jumped off the cliff or anything, though, so the descending has been slow, and filled with other mini climbs along the way. For us, these mini climbs have looked like transplant rejection scares, a virus that won’t go away, financial instability, and navigating church stability. The climbs along the way, and the hike back down the mountain have most definitely included God, but if I’m honest, I haven’t leaned on Him in quite the same ways I once did.

I think a little of it is because I’m tired. I’m exhausted from the climb. I just want to rest, but I still have to keep going.

I’m also feeling like the noise and the distractions are plentiful now that I’m in the valley.

My family recently took a trip to Shenandoah National Park. At the peaks of the mountains we climbed there was nothing for miles but views of other mountains. We saw so many buzzing bees sipping on the sweet nectar of the beautiful wildflowers, and birds just soaring through the current of the mountain breezes. In the mountains, I felt peace and calmness, even with the exertion of the hike.

In the valley, however, that’s where the people were. Resorts offering fancy pools and cabana drinks. Souvenir shop after souvenir shop selling the same design on a different colored t-shirt. Restaurants and mini-golf parks. Caverns that have been converted into attractions for families to pounce through. In the valley, distractions are plentiful.

My valley has looked like kids interrupting my quiet time. Romance novels stealing my attention from the Holy Word. Falling asleep during prayer time. Kids coming along on walks and yapping the whole time. Dishes in the sink. Pool dates. Laundry that always needs to be folded. Late bedtimes.

These distractions are nothing new for me - they’ve always been a part of my life, even on the mountaintop. And, these same distractions God has once used to speak to me through. These distractions are not bad in and of themselves, but they are ways the enemy is currently using to keep me from drawing closer to my Savior. 

What I know about the valley is that it is beautiful. The grass is green. The farms in the hills with horses and cows grazing are a heaven on earth. The flowers are plentiful. The rocky creeks provide a refreshing reprieve from the hot mountain trek.

The valley doesn’t have to be a place of lowness, but instead, it can be a place God intends for rest.

Psalms 23:4 reminds us, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

In the valley, I’ve relied on my head's knowledge of who God is. I am thankful for writing the scriptures in my heart because they are the very words that have kept me solid when He’s felt far away. Who He showed me to be while we climbed the mountain peak, is the truth that I have held onto while wandering the creeks of the valley. My very real, very emotional encounters with the Holy Spirit remind me that He is indeed a living God, and His Word promises me that He will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). 

I could sit in this. I could find a dark spot in the valley and hide away there. I could let my fears of my husband’s health, our finances, or the well being of my children cripple me. I could let the enemy win and just bury my nose in another book in the shade of a willow tree. But the Lord has been so kind in prodding my heart and nudging me to come back to Him. This realization of the noise and distance is purely His pursuit of me.

It’s His way of telling me that He misses me even more than I miss Him.

Instead, I will do what His Word says. I will be strong and courageous (Deuteronomy 31:6). I will let Him lead me, restore me, and comfort me (Psalm 23:3-4). I will confess my sins and find mercy (Psalm 28:13). I will daily remind myself of the truth that there is nowhere that God is not (Psalm 139:7-10). I will give Him glory right where I am (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Once again, I will surrender my whole life and everything in it over to Him, my Savior and my Sustainer.